so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
