Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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