He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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