Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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