Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
