He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
