My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
