The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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