i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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