Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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