Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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