There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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