cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
