theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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