Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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