How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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