we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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