when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
