I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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