I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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