My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
