I met the friendliest cop last night
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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