someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
