genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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