when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
