just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize