Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
