I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
