I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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