dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize