Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
