my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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