If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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