If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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