Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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