you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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