I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
