Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
