Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
