Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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