its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
