Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
