Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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