my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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