you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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