I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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