My nipple is on Facebook.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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