ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize