im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
