and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize