3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
