I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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