If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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