Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
