I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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