matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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